Elephant Noises

So here I am sitting in my room on a friday night sick as a dog.
I'm talking spastic sneeze attack, epileptic seizer, 80 year old smoker coughing sick.
It also happens to be 9:30 on a friday night in the best nightlife city around.
Yes I am wearing sweats. That sick.
They are J.Crew... and have zippers at the bottom... but still SWEATS people!
I sound like an Elephant everytime I have to sneeze or blow my nose.

I refuse to go to bed at 9:30. REFUSE.
So lucky for you guys I am writing another blog.

Example:
I have had the lovely chance of going to a few exciting clubs and pubs.
I have also had the very unlucky chance of going to the 18 year old boys club where they all love to go shirtless. This wouldn't be a problem if they were all built like Channing Tatum , but no. One of the worst things in life to have to see is an 18 year old, most likely 16 with a fake, skinny white boy trying to dance like there is no tomorrow. BOYS. STAPH. You are not cute. Like AT ALL. I am embarrassed for you.

Story.
It is going to get good...

So here I am chilling at one of the "hottest clubs in London ( literally. I thought I was having a heat stroke in the pits of hell. Satan? Could it be you??)" when this scrawny ass kid comes up to me and asks me if he can buy me a drink.
Boy. Are you even old enough to drink?? Do you even know what a rum and coke is?? WHY DO YOU HAVE A VODKA CRANBERRY IN YOUR HAND?!
Side note: I HATE vodka cranberries.
I looked at him for about five seconds. So I really was not going to say anything but then this word vomit just comes out. I looked at him and gross just popped out. I'm sorry but he was gross. A vodka cranberry?? I mean really? Have your balls dropped yet or are they still chillen up there?!
The poor little thing, he was about half my size, looked so hurt. I really hate to think I'm that girl that turned him into a woman-hating, GTL loving, axe wearing man. I could see it in his eyes though. I did. I'm sorry little man where ever you are.

You would think after getting hit on by an "18" year old my confidence would be through the roof. WRONG. I felt like a pedophile. I thought a police officer was going to come running through the club and tackling me to the ground in handcuffs for even looking at this child. All I kept thinking about was Selena Gomez. I AM NOT SELENA. I WILL NOT DATE AN 18 YEAR OLD. Omg. I am a pedophile. Time to leave.

That was experience 1.
Experience two got a little bit more creepy.
So again me and the girls go to "the hottest club in London," a different one I might add, and try to get the night started off right.
WELL.
First of all it was crowded. I am talking Walt Dinsey World the day after summer break starts crowded. More crowded than a One Direction concert crowded.
Known fact about me: I do not do well in crowds.
Lets just say I spent the years 13-18 in most pits and at Vans Warped Tour. My mindset when it comes to crowds is push, shove, scratch, claw, ect.
Yes I realise this is violent but I wanted to be a ballerina when I was little and instead my dad put me in Tae Kwon Do. My Mulan instincts to fight are always on the lookout.

Anyways.

So here I am having a good time with my friends. Dancing my little legs off to some dubstep song. You know: wohhhmmm wohm ohhhnahhh WOMP WOMPPPPPP WOMP WOMPWOMPWOMP wohhhmmmmm song. When this sweaty freaking hand grabs my side.
HOLD UP. Ohhhh hell no bro.
So this guy comes out of nowhere are proceeds to start his version of dancing on me. Now the guys version of "dancing" is grinding their balls all over you while putting their sweaty gross hands on your stomach.
Another fact about me:
I hate being touched by people I do not know. I will not give hugs to anyone I have just met or even stand super close to anyone. I have my own person bubble and I like to keep it that way. MY BUBBLE. hahahaha Finding Nemo hahahah Get it? teheh.
Dammit cold. You are making me crazy...

Okay so yeah. Creeper ( who doesn't have a shirt on, or abs) is trying to grind all over my poor innocent backside + me without my bubble of comfort and hate for things sweaty = horrible combination.
So what did I do?
I turned around and said some very rude words starting with " if you EVER come near me again I will take your face and shove it so far up your...." and ending with " you have the body of a skinny 10 year old girl and the face like a gargoyle."
Needless to say it was harsh.

Moral of these two stories:
I really need to stop going to the "hottest club in London."
Pubs are really nice.
My insults are getting wayyyyyyyy better.
I will always hate cranberry and vodka
18 year old boys creep me out.
Kabobs, yes I know I've mentioned them, are Heaven sent.
Pregame. DO NOT buy drinks at the club. They barely have alcohol and are expensive.
The nightbus isn't as cool as it is in Harry Potter.
Showers were one of the best inventions. Plus I have now perfected the dance move "the shower"
People do not appreciate "the fish (dance move)" as much as they do back home.

Example:
http://imgur.com/gallery/dJtcF